Updated: Sep 22
I've been to this place one too many times before, the darkness. My touch becomes hollow. My once healing hands heal no more, and as I scramble to feel again, everything I touch feels empty. I can only hear white noise. I live in one of the biggest cities in the world and still...only white noise. If I listen closely enough, I can hear the little voice inside my head reminding me that I've spiraled down into a black hole. Will I ever make it out?
The thing is...when you're in a dark place, everything tastes reallllly good. There's a comfort I find in the bad. I know a fast food cheeseburger is going to mentally make me feel like shit, but I can't help myself. I want my senses to work again and the taste of something bad is so good.
I look at myself in the mirror and see death. A body without a soul. I imagine that this is what a ghost looks like in real life. I can't even find my sense of smell. It feels like it has burnt out like my favorite candle that once brought me comfort. I want Meagan back. I'm scared of what I see. Darkness overshadows me.
Finding the light came gradually. In fact, very slowly. This is the first time in eight years that I feel my depression lifted off my shoulders. Today, I'm going to share with you how I found the light in the darkness through self-love. It started out with long walks. Walks that I didn't want to do, but knew I had to. I was becoming so tired, weak, alone. The feeling of my feet on the ground, moving one foot in front of the other made me feel connected to the earth. It became instinctive to start stroking my head like a mother would stroke her daughter's head. I don't know why I started doing this, but it helped. I started listening to electronic music and finding my beat again. Something about the rhythm eliminated the white noise. I can't dance for shit, but I can move. Give it a try! Close your eyes, find your beat, and move. It's always been a tough pill for me to swallow, but the taste of fruits and vegetables are so refreshing after consuming junk. You can truly feel the grime of junk food in your brain and body if you eat too much of it during an extended period of time. You can never go wrong with incorporating more fruits and vegetables in your life. They 100% contributed to bringing me to this light.
My favorite forms of self-care are using eucalyptus oil in the shower and burning a candle that has an earthy scent to it. I thought my sense of smell was gone forever. I'm happy to be reconnected to it.
Goodbye are the days of a lady without a soul. Now when I look in the mirror, I see a kind, gentle, strong, and beautiful lady. I couldn't have done it without my daily affirmations. Eye contact is so important. Daily affirmations are so powerful. Never underestimate them.
Life has become livable again. Lovable. I see the light. I feel the light. It's a beautiful place to be. If you are in a dark place, please know I've been there and understand you. I want you to know that if I can find the light in the darkness, you can too. Comment below if you've ever been in a dark place during your life.